Oh my, does that make people uncomfortable.
If you are reading going “nope, nope, nope”… hear me out!
I want to chat because I am sitting here with a 2-year-old screaming playing with his sister, one rocking in his bouncer (because let’s face it how else would I write with a 6 week old) and 2 other kiddos entertaining their selves, and this topic, well, it has been on my mind for a while now.
As you can tell, I know how children are made, and well clearly, we have perfected the art in this household. Sorry Matt, here is where you will get uncomfortable. I need to write on this topic and it isn’t to brag on my sex life by any means, however, I know WAY TOO MANY women who have little to no sex life with their husband. This is being written for the woman out there who are one, two, three, however many kids up to their eyeballs and just not wanting to do the deed.
It happens. It is normal for this to happen post-baby. What’s not normal? For it to never go away.
I will say it louder for the woman in the back hiding under the table because I am talking about sex.
YOU SHOULD WANT TO GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH YOUR HUBBY!
Why in the world would our sex lives plummet?
A few reasons! One is hormones and two is KIDS!
I will address the second one first. Kids. Oh my gosh. You never envision loving someone SO much, yet they suck every bit of your being out of you.
As you sit there having not showered in who knows how long, exhausted because your precious baby woke up 50 times last night, spit-up on your shirt while you’re nursing your only 8oz cup of coffee you can have for the day because you can’t have any more than that; you see those sweet little hands and those precious eyes knowing you love this little person SO much.
However, this phase lasts a long, long, (did I mention long?) time.
You have a little person attached to you, and when they’re older constantly needing you, so when evening arrives and they’re all tucked into their beds, you don’t want anyone or anything anywhere near you.
So there you have it, you fall into this rut of “nope, not today, thanks.” It happens to the best of us, even when we don’t really want it to. We can’t muster the energy to even think about sexy time.
Hormones are another pesky thing that gets in the way of happy and healthy sex-lives post kids.
That little adorable human that you love also proceeds to throw your hormones into havoc when he or she made his/her way into your life. Sometimes these hormones don’t regulate very well and can leave us in a funk.
It is totally normal for them to be off for the first few weeks postpartum. This is when you’ll be experiencing a wide range of emotions, night sweats to help rid your body of extra water after you have your little one, I know it sounds like pregnancy all over again! Eventually, though, these hormones and feelings should regulate out. However, sometimes they don’t.
I am going to start this section in a disclaimer. A big fat disclaimer.
Postpartum depression is REAL and if you are suffering from loss of interest, don’t want to get out of bed, constantly unbearably sad, then it is time for you to look into ways to regulate that. Talk to your doctor, look into natural methods, whatever you do, if you are suffering from postpartum depression, ask for help.
Now, when it comes to this blog, I am not talking about if you have postpartum depression. I am just talking about those hormones not going back quite the way we want them to.
I have another fun fact! Within normal limits, means that according to doctors everyone’s hormones should fall within this range of numbers.
However, everyone’s normal will look a bit different! You may have your bloodwork done and they say everything is normal, but they still may be slightly high or low for YOUR body! Think of it like blood pressure. When I go get my blood pressure taken I sit around 116/72 totally normal and its fine. I went in one day and had mine taken and it was elevated. Still totally normal range, but looking at my regular readings you could see clearly that for ME my blood pressure was a bit higher. They decided to wait a bit and retake it to see if it slowed down.
EVERY ONE IS DIFFERENT!
That means their hormone levels are different. Their blood pressure, their heart rate, every little thing will be different.
Now I am not saying if you have 180/100 blood pressure that’s just your normal. Oh gosh no, we need to be in a normal healthy range, but what could look normal on paper, may not be normal for our bodies! They have a range of normal for a reason!
Now when our hormones are not leveled out and in their happy place in our bodies, our libido? It is minimal.
If you feel like your off, again, talk to your doctor, look into natural methods, whatever you want to do to get your sex life back and be back in control of your life!
Whether your child is 3 months old or 13 years old, it is possible to have been suffering from this and you find yourself in a lull.
I am going to give a couple examples of things that we do that help my husband and I have quality time together.
1. My kids all have an early bedtime. It is not to be mean, cruel or unusual. It is so that my husband and I get to unwind and see each other after a long day. Setting aside time for you and your husband alone is crucial.
2. We can’t leave the house often, but we have in-home date nights. Usually 2 times a week we will feed the kids, get them in bed and order, pick up, or make one of our favorite meals and sit together to eat while watching a show or movie together.
3. Be intentional. Sometimes we don’t want to be intimate because we just haven’t done it in a while and it takes a back seat. Be intentional about being intimate and you will start to want to do it again.
4. Talk. Whether you go to a counselor, or you sit and chat on the couch after the kids are long asleep, it is important to talk. Put the phones, computers and television remotes down. Connect talk about your day, your struggles, your triumphs. The more connected you are verbally and emotionally, the more you will want to connect physically.
5. BE PLAYFUL! My gosh, we get way to serious when we get older! Remember that 19/20/23-year-old who would flirt and be playful. You know before you had kiddos peeing on the floor and crying in the middle of the night? Bring her back to the surface!
6. Find the quality alone time. It is important to note; we often lose ourselves in the mom/wife/work hats we need to wear. We forget who we are and equate who we are with one of those titles. It is important to find yourself again, and spend time doing things for you (HELLLLO SELF CARE!) so that you are filled with self-love.
Relationships go through phases. It is normal. However, a healthy sex life is important in a marriage. It is totally okay to acknowledge you need help in this area, shoot a lot of marriages do! Don’t think you have to live this way, because you don’t!
Get busy ladies.